Assalamualaikum.
Something my husband told me that making me keep wondering about it.
As usual I went back home with my husband as the faithful driver-in-shining myvi (hehe), picking me up back and forth to hospital everyday (bless him, its a 1 hour journey from BB-hospital) late at night. Our shift in ED is BD shift system, we worked 12hours daily straight from 8am to 8pm non stop, no much time to sit, eat and even to go to toilet as ED is a busy place. And very rarely we managed to go back on time as at 8pm, the night HO came, then is when we begin to do passover.
Passover usually ended 10-30mins later, depending on the number of patients. So, as for me, usually I will successfully reach home around 9.30-10.30pm at night, ready to go work at 8am the next day (which i need to drove out from home as early as 6.45am-7am, also depending on traffic/needing to send nabhan to playschool).
So yesterday, i kinda down little bit and shared my thoughts to my husband.
I was in redzone attending severe covid/suspected covid patients, who came in breathless with SPo2 less than 80% under room air.
Our hospital is just converted to full covid hospital recently, so we started to receive patients from CAC both from KL and Selangor within its coverage.
Influx of patients increased dramatically, sick people endlessly came in batches like they were in a "Hospital Tour" program. And in a day, our ED shuffled its zone, making a major changes to accommodate these 50+ covid patients referred from CAC nearby, it was an overwhelmed situation for everyone, as we already having (maybe, not sure exact numbers) nearing 100 patients stranded in ED since the shift before.
So as my shift going to end yet my zone still at war, I felt like a little bit "unaccomplished".
As you go back but there's still things unsettled. When I went out entering my car I saw another 3 ambulance coming in loaded with more patients inside. OMG..
I said to my husband,
" Teruk sangat sekarang. Hari ni je ada kita hilang 2 orang kat redzone, dua-dua dah tua perlu oksigen tapi diorang tak comply to oksigen yang kita bagi. Asyik nak bukak je mask oksigen tu."
Got 2 patients under my team care today, 2 elderly ladies, who require high oxygenation but they didnt compliant to the oxygen given, making most of the time they just under room air/nasal prong only/face mask only. Nowadays in the critical pandemic era, where the equipment not sufficient, no ventilators, no ICU beds, even wards got no beds, we forced to make a 'cruel' decision, in which we have to prioritize those with high survival chances first for the BEST treatment (young ones with no cormobidities and ADL independent is the best ones).. these 2 ladies, they were hypoxic or maybe has elements of dementia to begin with, so adding on the hypoxic drive made them kinda bit delirious, and thats why they really not compliant to the oxygen support given.
So i said to my friend,
"I dont think these 2 makcik can stand longer, they need the oxygen but they keep removing it."
We were in busy ED, that we dont even have time for sit, yet to tengok so many patient closely was difficult for us. If in normal ED situation, usually redzone (at average) will accommodate 4-6 patients at 1 time, in which patient came and go really fast, quicker admission previously as there is beds, but now, the sight of seeing up to 20 patients in redzone isnt that rare anymore. Critical patients on canvas, on wheelchair.. huuu..
And my friend also agreed with me.
" Kita buat semampu kita, kalau kita lalu nampak makcik bukak mask dia, kita letak balik."
And so we were endlessly doing that all along our shift. And also our MOs and MAs.
Keep reminding them, that it was their ultimate need at the moment. Good oxygen support.
But Allah loves them more. They succumbed later at evening.
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"Sebab sayang cakap macam tu lah Allah tarik cepat sikit. Macam doa."
A big hammer, no, sledgehammer hammered my head. The words came like thunder.
"Yang mana?"
"Yang korang rasa makcik tu dah tak lama."
"Ok... (still terkebil2).."
"Ada ajak makcik-makcik tu ingat Allah tak? Bisik syahadah sikit-sikit ke?"
Patient collapsed without notice. No one collapsed and say "Hello, tengok sini. Aku dah pengsan dah." Especially those who on the beds. They can be just sleeping. But they do give some warning signs before. As I mentioned earlier. But in this busy ED with 20s critical patients all around, the weaker our radar eyes are.
"....." -- I have no answer. That day I was taking bloods with the urge of nak micturate, since morning I havent able to go to the toilet as it was super busy. To preach each of patients at that moment, truthfully it wasnt at the back of my mind.
Maybe I thought it was useless and kinda awkward to to that, patients has no insight at the moment as they were delirious. Oksigen pun taknak pakai.
"Kalau lah sayang sebut kat dia suruh ingat Allah, dan itu last perkataan dia sebelum meninggal, free2 dapat pahala besar, family takde kat sekeliling nak tolong. Sayang dapat peluang free2 dekat dengan patient. Besar peluang tu."
True enough weyyy.
I lost my word and I have no mood to back myself.
Im just feeling more..useless. HAHAHA.
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End up i terus senyap je. Ugh.
Its true. That saying is true.
Ya Allah, I really hope I can be a good muslim doctor.
Recently we lost our atok, and I do felt how it is not being able to be there when your loved ones fighting his own last moments. Atok was hospitalized in UiTM, then he deteroriated so fast, CPR x 2 in ICU, ROSC sekejap then that night CPR again as he asystole, defibrillated as well. He went so much trouble on his last day. But then it relieves us, my in law family, knowing that the oncall doctor was a muslim doctor, he assured us that the ICU team taught him syahadah during the final battle.
As we couldn't be there to help.
May Allah bless arwah atok, a great and kind man.
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And again,
Ya Allah, I really hope I can be a good muslim doctor.
Lets continue this fight. It is ----a noble one.
